In 2016 I faced devastating circumstances that shook my faith to the core. I was at the end of my rope and beyond and looked to God as never before. I was shocked to see him show his love to me in small and big, ongoing ways, such as through a much closer family relationship, a challenging church, a new start, and books. Well, technically audiobooks because I don’t generally have the patience to sit down and read whole books. I encountered a deeper relationship with God than I ever thought was possible. Seeing the reality of God's love for me started to radically change my life.
One particularly inspiring book was ‘Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” by Peter Scazzero. It is far more ‘big picture’ than the title might suggest and a really powerful book. It is based on Peter's deep struggles and change. He is one of the most ‘sold out’ Christians I have ever read, in ways that are refreshingly real.
It, other books, preachers, God-ordained circumstances, and most of all a much deeper study of scriptures, God helped me on that path. Despite many years of thinking such a step would make me 'weird,' I realized that I had to commit to the 'all-in' path. It radically changed my life. I have concluded that what God wants to show us is the way towards true peace and fulfillment, is centering on him. It cannot be found by being more religious. In fact, I believe that much of institutional Christianity leans towards a type of pharisaism. Many of us think that we know the true God best, certainly better than most of the people who are not in the type of church we are in. We have God in our box. And based on that we tend to conform more to that church’s way of thinking (or we leave, emotionally or physically). We try to live in a way that is close to what that church believes and that we think God wants - based on the box we have him in. Often subconsciously, we try to show ourselves as a valued member of that group. We tend to look down on anyone who is in some significant way not in our way of thinking. There can be other things that are outside of church that can also start to creep into our thinking - things that that don’t fully match the life and key teachings of Jesus. And in that process, we can if we are not careful, become to some degree or another, pharisaical.
I realized that in some ways, I had tended towards pharisaism. It’s a natural tendency. It’s easier to follow a set of ‘rules’ than to have a dynamic relationship with God where we have to be very sensitive to what he is working in us on an ongoing basis.
I believe what God wants for us is to not follow a formula, but a deeper dynamic relationship journey to him. That involves not just giving lip service to, but actually growing in our love for him and for others and showing more and more 'fruit.' 𝗜 𝗯𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗲𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗚𝗼𝗱 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝘀𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝘂𝗹𝘁𝘆 𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘄𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗰𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗶𝗺.
Our circumstances, for most of us, largely determine our happiness. I believe that God wants our relationship with him to grow so much deeper that we can be fulfilled and at peace regardless of the circumstances. In essence, I believe that he wants us to grow towards being ‘all-in’ - knowing it is a journey we will never completely fulfill in this life. He seems to intend to disrupt or remove the particular things that we insist that we HAVE to have. It may be having love relationship that meets our expectations and deepest needs. It may be a certain amount of money, health, recognition, and/or success in our work life.
It seems to me that the greatest impediment to peace, happiness, and fulfillment is our minds. Many years ago, when I lost a ministry position that I felt was ideal for me, I was devastated. My happiness was built on the “American Dream” of ever-increasing personal and financial success. Then I started thinking about the big picture. There are people in most of the world who would be thrilled just to have a life with basic shelter, adequate food, freedom from serious oppression, air conditioning, etc. On the other side are people who are incredibly successful and wealthy who are very unhappy. It is our minds and the circumstances that we think we HAVE to have that makes us unhappy.
I no longer have a mate and certainly don’t expect to ever have one again. But over the years, as God has had me on the journey to ‘all-in,’ I have grown to feel far happier and tremendously appreciative of more and more of what are the simple ‘blessings’ of life that God has given me. He has blessed me with the opportunity to get far closer to my daughter and her family and given me new areas of growth, as well as intellectual and spiritual stimulation. Most of all, I feel the excitement and joy of being on a journey of getting closer to the God of the Universe!
I clearly have not arrived. I know that I can easily fall into judgmentalness, pride, or a lot of other things. I still struggle with a tendency towards materialism. I certainly expect in the future that I will have serious struggles – like everyone does, but that God intends to use - IF I let him - to grow me closer to him. I certainly don't really know the God of the Universe, in a way that can be put in a box. I continue to be amazed in the often mysterious ways and directions he leads. But again, the point is that I am committed to the journey to ‘all-in’ and to the one day that I will pass the threshold when I can start to see the God who is beyond human comprehension! I was a slow spiritual learner - too distracted by my pursuit of romantic relationships. I hope that those who read this will start that journey to all-in far earlier than I did.